Promotion, Shopping, Faith, Trust

I was going to try to write about my job promotion and how it means I have to make myself go out clothes shopping next weekend because I’ve lost a little weight (65 pounds) and nothing fits, but then I realized there really isn’t much to say about it all other than I hate shopping, and especially shopping alone.

But that’s not what’s been on my mind so much lately. The following two statements have though:

You need to have more faith.

You need to trust God more.

I’ve heard those two statements from the same mouth multiple times and in multiple ways. I think given the context they’re generally made in that the words faith and trust are being used interchangeably which is a bit sad because after reflecting on them, there is a huge different between them.

I have faith in God. I don’t always understand the whys and hows, but I believe. I may question, but isn’t the very act of questioning in the midst of a struggle faith…that He has the answer, that He is the answer?

Trust, on the other hand, seems to me to be more of a moment by moment decision, perhaps in the midst of a crisis or perhaps in the midst of the routineness of life. Sadly, I do not always (or even often some days) choose to trust God. It’s so easy to wrestle for control, so distracting from the real issues.

There are multiple side conversations that could happen about…free will, the Sovereignty of God, why bad things happen (to children especially), and many more things I really don’t understand. I’m not qualified to talk about any of them nor do I have any real answer other than to have faith that in the end, God wins because God is always good and always loving.

But it’s hard. Believe me, I know.

Earlier this week I seriously considered my existence might be some big mistake or joke. And no, I wasn’t engaged in a big pity party or feeling particularly down either.  It’s hard to see that I have much purpose especially now. No one needs me, I’m not even convinced that anyone would notice if I disappeared other than I wouldn’t appear at work, and even though it would probably take several days before anyone checked.

I don’t see the bigger picture though, and that’s what I keep reminding myself fin those moments. I can’t possibly ever see what God sees in scope. I cannot even imagine it.

Maybe I just need to trust Him a little more in those moments.

Brrrrr

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My honeysuckle bush has survived the cold, freeze-warning weather and is blooming already. The dogs, I suspect, are happy about the long break because it’s meant they have been able to stay inside on the very cold mornings instead of being pushed out the door.

I turned on the computer for the first time since before Christmas this morning…not that I haven’t been online or had access, I’ve just been relying on the phone and/or iPad. I also set the alarm clock for 5 am this morning in an attempt to make next Monday not quite so hard. I didn’t actually get out of bed until 6 (too cold) but I was awake and reading news, playing Words with Friends, and catching up on Twitter.

It’s been a nice break. I’ve done very little, but enough that I don’t feel like it’s been a total waste of time. Christmas decorations are down and put away. I even braved the ladder outside (alone) to take down the outside lights. Furniture has been moved, things re-arranged, and overall cleaned. I hung some artwork finally in the dining room, and the living room has new curtains. I finished one afghan and am almost half-way finished with another one. I had lunch with friends a few times, and coffee a few times too.

I’m ready to go back to work. I’ve enjoyed the time off, probably more than I have ever previously, but it’s time to get back into the routines of life. There are some major changes (that I can’t talk about yet) coming in the next several weeks, and while I’m not looking forward to them entirely, I’m also not dreading them as much as I thought I might when the reality of them happening hit. And, there are some hard anniversaries coming very quickly too. When people say time heals all wounds, they’re lying. They probably mean well and most likely have not lost anyone very close to their hearts, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not true. It hurts…like being stabbed…maybe more so now than when it happened two years ago because the shock is gone and reality is harsh.

But for now, getting through today, savoring each moment, good and/or bad, and being thankful to even have them, is enough.

Is it ever too late?

As soon as the words came out of her mouth this morning she looked horrified and I cringed, anger building quickly:

“It’s too late for her. She’s never going to amount to anything.”

I excused myself to get some coffee and attempt to gather myself.

She was referring to a just turned five year old.

A baby, really, who has been through more in her brief years than most adults would ever have wanted to live through.

She’s been abused, sexually, physically and emotionally. She’s been neglected and abandoned. She heard her mother tell her she has ruined her (the mother’s) life and that she (the mother) wishes she had never been born. She has sat alone in a house more nights than not with no electricity, no running water, and no food. Alone except for a stray dog that helps keep her warm.

She flinches if you approach her even if it’s done with kindness. She’s confused when praised. She’s angry when she has to leave.

She’s been in home after home after home. And school after school after school.

She knows how to steal because that’s the only way she can be sure she’s going to eat. And, she still steals even though we give her an extra lunch (or two) to take home with her every day.

She wants to be here and she doesn’t want to be here.

She wants to hope but she’s afraid to hope.

I wanted to scream when I heard those words. Instead I reminded her quietly that five is awfully young to make that type of decision and that even though we may never see change as a result of what we do, we also only see a short glimpse of the little lives we encounter. In ten years, she may remember the kindness extended to her here, the extra steps taken to show care, not just say it, the second, third and fourth chances given…and then it may make a difference in her life. We are entrusted with little lives for a short period of time, but it is an important time in a young life.

I could have been that five year old.

There was an adult in my life who stood by me when I was five, who sat with me at school and played rhyming games with me, who showed me unbelievable kindness.

I remember her name to this day, and still keep in touch with her.

It’s never too late to care, is it?

The drive crashed

It’s been a fairly productive weekend…

Yesterday I redid my living room. It’s amazing how new curtains, throw pillows, and rugs can freshen up the place. I also rearranged furniture in several rooms, making a room to use as a dining room..which will be my fall/winter project.

Last Thursday I lost the 121 page document I’d been working on for weeks when the drive crashed. Even the Geek Squad was unable to retrieve it for me. I worked all day today on the document, with the exception of when I was at church this morning. Still, I feel hopeful that I’ll get it completed in plenty of time now.

Now it’s time to relax and watch the season premiere of Once Upon A Time.