I was going to try to write about my job promotion and how it means I have to make myself go out clothes shopping next weekend because I’ve lost a little weight (65 pounds) and nothing fits, but then I realized there really isn’t much to say about it all other than I hate shopping, and especially shopping alone.
But that’s not what’s been on my mind so much lately. The following two statements have though:
You need to have more faith.
You need to trust God more.
I’ve heard those two statements from the same mouth multiple times and in multiple ways. I think given the context they’re generally made in that the words faith and trust are being used interchangeably which is a bit sad because after reflecting on them, there is a huge different between them.
I have faith in God. I don’t always understand the whys and hows, but I believe. I may question, but isn’t the very act of questioning in the midst of a struggle faith…that He has the answer, that He is the answer?
Trust, on the other hand, seems to me to be more of a moment by moment decision, perhaps in the midst of a crisis or perhaps in the midst of the routineness of life. Sadly, I do not always (or even often some days) choose to trust God. It’s so easy to wrestle for control, so distracting from the real issues.
There are multiple side conversations that could happen about…free will, the Sovereignty of God, why bad things happen (to children especially), and many more things I really don’t understand. I’m not qualified to talk about any of them nor do I have any real answer other than to have faith that in the end, God wins because God is always good and always loving.
But it’s hard. Believe me, I know.
Earlier this week I seriously considered my existence might be some big mistake or joke. And no, I wasn’t engaged in a big pity party or feeling particularly down either. It’s hard to see that I have much purpose especially now. No one needs me, I’m not even convinced that anyone would notice if I disappeared other than I wouldn’t appear at work, and even though it would probably take several days before anyone checked.
I don’t see the bigger picture though, and that’s what I keep reminding myself fin those moments. I can’t possibly ever see what God sees in scope. I cannot even imagine it.
Maybe I just need to trust Him a little more in those moments.