Sunday Mornings Stress Me Out

Sunday mornings stress me out.

Six weeks ago tonight I went to the hospital by ambulance having had a “mild” heart attack. Even though my family history for them is very strong, I’m in my 40s and do not have either high blood pressure or high cholesterol, so it was a shock. After weeks of piecing the puzzle together it was determined I have an infection in the heart valves which is now being treated with IV antibiotics. If I heard correctly it might have something to do with chemo. I also apparently have hypokalemia and anemia and so figuring out why and treating them is still a work in progress, although I am certainly focusing nutritionally on making sure I’m eating smart.

I’ve also heard the “don’t over exert and lower your stress levels” spiel multiple times over the past weeks. Easier said than done.

Being pretty much a hermit, I find it difficult when the work week is over to leave home. As in it causes me anxiety. This is somewhat new having started a year ago and steadily gotten worse over the past year. There are reasons for it (and that’s not an excuse) and working through them is a process. Calling for help might not have happened three months ago.

Sunday mornings I should go to church…even typing that I feel the anxiety building.

I haven’t been attending church long and it’s been very sporadically over the past eighteen months that I’ve been going. Once I’m there, generally speaking all is well although occasionally I get asked a question or a comment is made that send me into panic.

One Sunday a few months ago a very well intentioned elderly lady asked “Are you ever going to be better?”

I left during the greeting time (my least favorite part of the morning I might add).

On the last Sunday in June someone I know (and like) said “Wow, two weeks in a row, I hope we survive.”

He was joking.

I didn’t make it again until August.

It’s not them, either, it’s me, and I’m acutely aware of that fact.

I went last week and dragged some friends with me who don’t normally attend church at all. It was fine. We even went out to lunch after.

Less than three hours to the start now, and I still don’t know about today. The “voices” in my head on both sides are clamoring to be heard, and it’s exhausting me this morning.

Sunday mornings stress me out.