It’s been a very strange day thus far.
It started with the police after a break-in.
It continued with a very open conversation with a friend who’s gone through similar things.
The morning, despite the above, was remarkably productive work-wise.
Last night was difficult. Actually, most of the afternoon and evening and into the darkest part of the night was. I realized that what I was viewing as a mutual friendship was one-sided (mine) and that the other person views me as a project, something to be “fixed.”
I’m aware (acutely) that I’m broken.
I’m likewise aware that no person can “fix” me.
However, I am not an object much less a project. I should have been smarter and realized what was happening when I was relegated to one email a day and two mornings a month. Friends don’t generally compartmentalize in that manner.
I should have realized when I was told “I haven’t been online” after a mutual friend shared an email had been received the day before during the “I haven’t been online” time.
The signs were there…I just refused to see them.
Because in the fog of grief and flashbacks and pain I wanted to believe it was real, that I mattered.
Even harder, I genuinely care about the other person.
But now I need to distance myself a bit, not out of anger or fear, but out of respect and acknowledgement of the truth of the situation. Because as much as I wish I had that kind of control, I still struggle with flashbacks and memories and hard, dark moments. Moments when no response (after days) becomes abandonment and moments when the conversation ending abruptly mid-thought with no notice because disappointment, anger or disapproval…whether they’re real or perceived, it makes it harder and often leads to my beating myself up.
Don’t misread, I’m aware of my own imperfections and short-comings and failures. I’m aware even more now than ever before that I’m not necessarily a “win” in the friendship department.
But I’m not a project and somehow allowing it to continue seems even more wrong than the difficult moments that may come now.