Busy, Dogs, Instant Access, Panic Attacks

photo (5)Life’s been busy. For whatever reason, writing has not been an easy for the past few months wherever I’ve tried to write…it’s been like banging my head into a wall. It’s been a little easier the past few weeks offline, so we’ll see how it goes here.

Luke and Leia have adjusted to life without Lucy even if I still occasionally look for her in the middle of the night. Luke was diagnosed with cancer in June. It’s fast spreading and there’s not much to be done, other than to keep him comfortable. So far, he is doing okay and does not seem to be in any discomfort.

One of the drawbacks I believe to the instant-information-age we live in is that we think sometimes we know the whole story about a situation or news event when in reality we don’t…we merely know whatever our media outlet of choice is sharing with us, and that information can, and often does, change minute by minute if a situation is ongoing. I can feel myself drawn in and then tossed around as the updates come, anxiety building.

I’m beginning to think that’s not necessarily healthy.

Not that we shouldn’t be informed about what’s going on, but rather that we sit obsessed and brooding over situations (1) that we have no control over; (2) where facts are not being presented but rather ever-changing guesses about what’s happening; and (3) that are emotionally charged and volatile.

Anyway.

I’ve written before here about how Sunday mornings tend to be stressful for me and that hasn’t changed. Last Sunday morning I had a panic attack during church. Yes, there was a trigger. No, it wasn’t the message. It’s only Friday and I can already feel the anxiety building. I don’t really know if I can go back after it or not. The memories and trying to process through them continues to be difficult. Some days I feel like I’m riding an emotional roller coaster…and I’m not enjoying it.

How alone feels

It has been a productive day and for that I am thankful. It’s hard to believe September is more than half over already although the cooler (less humid) weather is a welcome change from the hot summer temperatures and monsoon storms.

It’s a time of transition, a time of change.

Hard as it is to believe, two years ago my twin was alive, and I never felt alone or unwanted.

It’s hard to explain that connectedness.

Two years later I realize how much I took it for granted.

I know now how alone feels, how unwanted feels.

Coming to terms with those changes, finding acceptance and letting go of the anger and fear is the cause of much anxiety, uncertainty and restlessness today. It’s a battle and anyone who suggests otherwise has either never suffered loss and grief or is lying.