I debated a great deal with myself this morning about whether or not I was going to church. Even though in my head the reasons to not go outweighed the reasons to go (aside from the best reason to go which I thought about later), I went to church and am thankful I did.
Sunday mornings are always hard on me, in the best of circumstances.
This Sunday came after a tough experience at the Friday night service (comments) and a hard realization about a “friend” yesterday.
The easy path would have been to stay home and hide.
I’ve been taking the easy path for a long time. To anyone looking at me, I appeared to be functioning and fine, while inside I was frozen and incomplete.
Over the past several weeks, fine and functioning are no longer working and if all the crying and waves of strong emotions are any indication, nothing is frozen. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and even if I’m right and this is where God is leading me, out of that place where I shut myself down and forgot myself, I am unsure, and every thought and feeling feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I would prefer to wait until I’ve figured it out, until I’m healed up more and put back together more.
But it doesn’t appear that there’s any other way to find the truth and with it my heart, than to experience and discover the truth of it’s leading me. But what if this is all wrong? What is the right way to go? What if I’m just imagining all this? Imagining it as an alternative to ending it all?
It’s easier to be strong and to not need. To not feel. Feelings are not reliable, so throw them aside, push them down. The problem is that there’s a part of myself that gets thrown to the wayside as well when I make that choice. And I am not convinced it’s right either.
So maybe taking the easy path is not the best option anymore, maybe it’s time to take the harder path and hold hard to faith, trusting that quiet “voice” that says to keep going even though it hurts.