be careful what you ask for

A year ago, I was frustrated because I felt as if I was running into a wall every time I tried to move forward, really move forward.

Stuck with a piece of a memory, but not the entire memory, no matter how hard I tried, I came to a point and stopped…over and over again, not because I didn’t want to, but I simply couldn’t.

The wall came down a week ago.

I remember it all.

And wish I didn’t.

My doctor reminded me just yesterday that it’s a good sign, no matter how I feel. And that remembering it all means I’m ready to, that it’s safe to go there now.

It’s helped me gain some perspective on all the different fragments of my life that I’ve been hold onto so hard:

  • Dreams, hopes, fears, the past, the future, memories, failures, strengths, weaknesses.
  • People who claim to be friends, but aren’t able to sit with me or walk with me when the days are hard.
  • People who say they’re friends, but only use me for information they need, and ignore me the rest of the time.
  • People who did not/do not love me, even though they say they do/did, using those words to manipulate me to their expectations.

I’ve taken it all in my entire life.

And I know I am loved by some. I do.

But inside, it’s not that way.

Unloved. Unwanted. For so very long.

“Worthless, bad, dirty, useless, no one will ever want you” are the words I hear over and over most of the time in the dark, quiet moments when the memories swirl and threaten to consume me.

Sometimes I just wish someone, anyone, would just sit with me in those moments so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

 It’s days like today that I miss my twin so much it physically hurts.

Alone.

Sometimes holding on is a very lonely place.

It’s hard to explain the pain of neglect, and that what has neglected doesn’t simply go away.

I thought it would.

I told myself (with some prompting from others) that none of that stuff matters, that the only thing that matters is that God loves you. I thought that would eliminate the pain of things that I don’t want anyone to know.

I know I have nothing to offer.

I know there is no beauty in me, either externally or internally. Perhaps because I’ve spent so much time and energy on solving problems, avoiding conflict and creating/being safe.

In other words, holding on.

I didn’t understand that was what I’ve been doing until I remembered everything.

It’s overwhelming lonely in that innermost place, as well as shock and disbelief that such a place exists within.

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