32 days

I’m waiting for my new washing machine to be delivered…when I went to buy it yesterday I asked for afternoon delivery and was told it would be between 8 and noon. When I asked for closer to 8 I received “the look” and was told the delivery person would call me in the morning and give me a general idea.
It’s approaching 9:30 and I haven’t heard anything yet.

Since I’m grateful that it’s free delivery, hookup and take-away of the broken machine, I’m just going to be patient especially because I really have no control over what time it arrives.

The weather has also been changing these past few days announcing fall in the desert. Obviously, after a summer of triple digit temperatures and horrible humidity, I’m grateful for soft breezes and temperatures in the double digits. I enjoy the idea of falling leaves and warm colors like pumpkins, bright orange and yellow leaves, and spicy brownish colors like nutmeg and cinnamon…and the smells of fall when baking becomes rediscovered after the hot summer.

Even as I eagerly anticipate all of those things (my pecan tree is still full of leaves), I also dread this time of year. It’s dark later in the morning and earlier in the evenings. There are not many good memories of this time of year from my past. Everyone I loved died in the dark coldness of fall/winter.

And, the holidays* are coming quickly…32 days. No matter what anyone says, holidays are family events. So the next few months will be a constant reminder of all that’s been lost. Add in some realizations of significant changes in relationships** and some new changes coming and I’m having lots of ups and downs lately, although the ups are few and far between and the downs are pretty down.

It’s hard knowing what’s worth fighting for and what just needs to be let go at times. I spent some time with someone recently and realized after that the other person’s impatience with me probably communicated the answer to me in that particular situation. I can also “read” the signs with a few others. I was appalled earlier this week when I realized someone had been “put up” to contacting me. I’m not a project. I will not be outsourced unless I’m involved in the decision. So while I’m not retreating, quickly, it’s also been a vivid reminder of the stupidity of trusting people and trying to be honest and transparent with anyone.

I promised myself I would not endure another holiday season alone and miserable.

32 days.

*FYI I do not consider Halloween to be a holiday.
**Having nothing to do with WWF or anything like that…

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