Before I woke up from a bad dream feeling as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest I was dreaming and then remembering/feeling some of the feelings I had back then. How I felt abandoned and alone during that time.
In that pained quietness I heard the beckoning to trust God.
And my instant, gut response was but you’ll abandon me too.
It happened again this afternoon when the anxiety became unbearable when I was at the doctor’s.
Trust in me. Rest.
You abandoned me then too.
In my rational moments I would resolutely say that is not true.
But I don’t really know it obviously or it would not have been the gut response.
I cannot see God in those dark moments, in those memories. I have no sense that He’s there, and I’ve expressed before my confusion that (from my perspective) He didn’t do anything to help me then. Even now, when I’m mid-memory and I want more than anything to see Him or find Him in those moments, there’s nothing.
If I need, then I risk being abandoned. Maybe that’s why I resist any closeness. Maybe it’s why I hide and avoid. Or why it used to be simpler to just pretend. Or why I internalize when things seem unbearable rather than reach out. Experience, even if my perspective on God’s role in it is skewed, is hard to dispute.
I know that the reality is that God will not abandon me. I know He will not abandon me or forsake me. I know how much I need Him…even if it scares me beyond belief.
I don’t understand why in those moments I don’t believe it. I don’t know why it’s so hard in the bleakness that it seems impossible to look into the face of acceptance and find rest.